Chaos everywhere
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 01:35 AM last August 20, 2008.
Is life really meant to be lived routinely? Is the keyboard meant to be used in a manner called QWERTY or ASDFG? Frankly speaking, I opt not to answer.
I never thought that in an instant my life could take so many directions.I never thought that so many emotions could be running through a person without internally combusting. In my case, I think, it's natural to have all emotions running the same way the liquid in my nose is ploddingly creeping. Shit. I couldn't even talk decently. I have hard time breathing.
What creeps me right now is not the colds and my running nose. It's not the malevolent emotion that's crawling inside me but it's the unending chaos in Mindanao. No way. My family's there. Is this what we call "Depreciation of Man's Compassion"? No answer. Only silence.
Mood: sick sick sick
Age does not matter
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 10:10 AM last August 19, 2008.
I am really bothered about my age. Honestly. I don’t know if I would call this an illness. But yes, it did bother me a lot to the extent of recollecting the things I did in the past, checking my accomplishments (there is really none). Twenty two years of age is enough for one to have an accomplishment, like owning a house probably. But I own nothing. Not a single thing. I can’t believe how fast time can fly by. Yesterday, I was just a kid with the only dream was to be able to eat three times a day, own a toy during birthdays and special holidays. And now, I am a grown up. I wonder what my Mama would say if she’s still alive seeing the woman I have become. Would she be proud or be disappointed? I don’t know even.
More grumbles but I am tad bit hungry. HUNGER for food? Not really.
Currently listening to: Can't fight the moonlight by Leann Rimes
Currently reading: My old entries- Oh my, I suck big time
Their Love story not mine
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 02:34 AM last August 19, 2008.
I was asked by my housemates (Janet and Mark) to create a love story for them to be used on their wedding day. Excitement filled my heart for this is a chance for me to at least repay them for all the good things they have bestowed me. So this is what I have created;
I kind of lack the words to start my love story, The
same feeling when I used to watch a breath-taking sunrise, so full of
life yet it made me speechless. It always left me raving for words for
I had seen a very spectacular beauty. And today I am trying to hark
back and journey to the very first day I met my man. The man I will be
spending the rest of my life with. The man that would reply to my “I
do’s”. The man that will bring joy to my own dreamed family.
When love knocks on your door, you really wouldn’t be able to tell.
I’ve been to numbers of relationship, knocked my heart zillion times
but no one ever entered. Only Mark did. His adamant body did captivate
me (though I didn‘t really notice it the first time I laid eyes on
him), A figure that you think would be able to protect you from every
danger. A man that would be man enough to fight to all kinds of battle.
He is the one I needed.
I wanted him so much that I couldn’t really fully understand and I
know he worshipped me. I remembered the joy it brings to me when we
kissed and his arms would lift me up so I would be able to reach his
soft lips, those small actions would make my heart beat faster and my
stomach rise in my gut. He would take care of me when I needed it,
nursing me into perfect health.
When his breathe would grace the back of my neck, sending shivers
through my body and generating goose bumps all over my skin. His lips
touched mine and a hunger I had never before experienced would flow
through my body.
I needed him, like me needing for air to breathe. His ways were very
unique, compared to my previous relationships. I never really fathomed
well, that I would be trapped by his loving ways. I was in a
relationship back then, he was in a shaky relationship on the other
hand. And that made the two of us. God really is my favorite writer. He
never ceased to amuse me with His ways. He knew damn well what I
wanted, “a perfect man”.
One thing for sure we shared and we will be sharing for the rest of
our lives is the thing, I doubt most human beings ever do, “passion”.
And we call it LOVE.
Tell me what do you think? Hehehe. Pwede na ba?
Currently listening to: Forever by Chris Brown
Tell me which one hits you?
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 09:57 AM last August 18, 2008.
This is not a to-do list, This is not a note-to-myself thingy but just something I find very interesting and undeniably true. Well, allow me to highlight some good points here. And I hope you will have the time to read these sort of crap. Oh no, I don’t have the right to say that because I just happened to grab this from a workmate. So to whoever wrote these, I acknowledge you. (To save myself from plagiarism.)
I am not the type of blogger who wants to write a very long and extensive narrative neither do I want to read a very lengthy blog (wow! I am very honest). But some points are just just, hmmm, seem to be very true.
Brace yourself, Fasten your seatbelt.
WHAT HURTS....
1. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
2. Reminiscing the good times you shared together.
3. Shielding your heart from loving somebody.
4. Trying to hide what you really feel.
5. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.
6. Loving a person too much.
7. Giving up someone you never thought of giving up.
8. Having the right love at the wrong time.
9. Taking the risk to fall in love again.
10. Hiding your relationship from someone else.
11. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend.
12. Letting go, because every time you see the person, you only fall deeper.
13. Holding back only to find out its too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out.
14. Falling in love with someone you didn't mean to fall in love with.
15. Finding the perfect guy with only one problem. He doesn't love you. The way you want him to.
16. Helping the one you love make “ligaw” to your friend.
17. Seeing the one you love crying for someone else.
18. The waiting also hurts like hell.
19. Having to hear, " I’ve met someone" from the only guy you ever loved..
20. Agreeing to his wish to just be friends.
21. Asking his freedom back because he'd be happier with her.
22. Asking you to forget that everything happened and be normal friends again.
23. Hearing that you're treated as a little sis.
24. Sharing his future plans for the girl with you.
25. You stopped being friends because his gf asked him to.
26. Being denied in front of people.
27. Telling you lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a new friend or an old flame.
28. He told you he'd be leaving you to return to his ex (the one he left for you!)
29. Breaking someone's heart.
30. Fighting for that one thing that would make you happy; that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his commitment unless he fix himself, then you are left hanging for a moment. Then he says, time will tell.
31. Pretending you're OK when inside you are dying.
32. Pretending to be strong and recognizing your weaknesses.
33. Lying in bed each night, thinking of that person you can never have.
34. Being with someone you cant actually love.
35. Pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love.
36. Being in love.
37. Letting go even if you really don’t want to; having no right to say you are hurting because it was your decision.
38. Seeing the person you love hurt because of you and not being able to help that person.
39. Having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that the things will never be the same again when he doesn't treat you with the same closeness as before.
40. Having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable.
41. Admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections.
42. Finding out that the more you try to hate him, the more you end up loving him, perhaps even more than before.
43. Realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
44. The thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough so he gave up on you.
45. Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else.
46. Seeing your partner battle for death.
47. Making a promise. And realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered, the commitment is no longer there..
48. Believing love exists after you've been hurt.
49. Learning to forgive, learning to forget, learning to trust and learning to love again.
50. But the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself.
Currently listening to: Right here waiting by 112 and SVW
Beautiful mess
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 03:53 AM last August 18, 2008.
"You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is"
I've been doing a lot of things lately but I have not been able to finish them. What a beautiful mess, as suggested by Jason Mraz.
Currently listening to: A beautiful mess by jason mraz
What's the most valuable thing in this world?
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 10:15 AM last August 17, 2008.
The exuberance of the rising sun, has not changed my mood today. Is money really of great importance? My world seemed to stop spinning because as I opened my wallet and after a very long scrutinizing moments, I had found out, I can only live until tomorrow (for real).
In as much as I want to ignore these issues (money matters), it appeared like a threat that horrified me. That any moment from now I would fizzle and would be so weak to stand up again. What’s my only defense against this wickedness? For the life of me, I couldn’t think of an answer. Each time I had thought of a possible way to defend myself, I faltered.
I need a long sleep. I hope that tomorrow when I wake up, Life will be better.
Currently listening to: Deep by Binoculars
Waiting for the sun to shine
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 06:43 AM last August 16, 2008.
Three different individuals, with diverse personalities. Our hearts were one for we all wait the same thing. Waiting for life to be better tomorrow.
Dasein= The eldest
Magic= The eldest
Heni= The eldest
And this is our common denominator
It's not the red horse that we desired for, it's what they call "company"
Smile. Is what we want to give to the world
Selecta Ice cream, Pringles, red horse? what a combination?
Dasein said, "Ang dami ng problema sa mundo, dagdagan nalang natin"
Heni said, "I can't please everybody, red horse nalang mas masaya pa"
Magic said, "MORE red horse please??????"
Currently listening to: A beautiful mess by Jason Mraz
Keep holding on
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 05:33 PM last August 15, 2008.
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through 
A dull afternoon, After getting my salary with only 1000 left for myself (the word myself is very difficult to utter) I went home immediately. What's the point of staying there? I would starve to death if I will be spending my money to some of my whims and caprices. Shoes, blouses, pants. Those are very enticing. But my only task now, is to be frugal in spending money. Squandering it, is beyond my imagination.
So here I am, with my mind busy budgeting my 1000 pesos. Waiting for another 15 days can be so long and tiring. But don't worry I AM SO OKAY.
Inspired by Avril Lavigne's Keep holding on, I gave myself half a smile, half a grimace.
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Currently listening to: Keep holding on by Avril Lavigne
Morning Ramblings
merlynthemagical felt deadly dull at exactly 06:14 AM last August 15, 2008.
Where does a daughter go to resign? I think, nowhere. Because in the first place we never really applied to be a daughter, we never submitted any resume and application letter to become a loving and dedicated and committed daughter. No one really chooses to be in a certain family but it is rather predestined. Today, I don't want to start my day with a frown, because honestly I'm tired of being tired of everything. I'm tired of this job, of becoming a daughter. But unlike all other jobs, this job is different, because I am bounded to be a daughter for as long as my heart says "I love my Papa, I love my brothers, I love my sisters". I love them. And I will always love them.
I don't want to plant a grudge inside my heart, so that is why I'm putting it into words, I'm pouring it out. Papa I hate you but I love you. I hatttttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeee you. I hate the fact that I love them so much because it's giving me no strength to complain. And here I am, thinking every possible way to work my ass off and give them what they need because I am fulfilling my job as a daughter, a superdaughter.
I hope my life is as colorful as this drawing. Where I can see greenfields. The sun in its usual fiery aura. The clouds as we always illustrate, very blue. Full of life. This is the life that I want, I want all the colors present.
GOOD MORNING
